Boundaries FAQ
Most of us learn early in life about boundaries. As children, we are taught to keep our hands to ourselves, color within the lines, and cover a sneeze with our elbow. Boundaries help us get along with others and establish appropriate behaviors. As we mature, however, societal boundaries can become more nuanced, and our responses more complicated.
In my practice, I often meet people who ask for help in setting boundaries in their relationships. They are tired of people pleasing tendencies are looking for ways to take care of themselves while maintaining the relationships they care most about. Following are some commonly asked questions and answers that could be helpful for if you are feeling like the above:
Q: What exactly is a boundary?
A: Boundaries are limits or rules we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others and help us maintain health.
Q: What is the benefit of setting boundaries?
A: It is essential to our happiness and well-being. Setting healthy boundaries helps reduce stress and anxiety, improve our relationships, and increase overall satisfaction in life.
Q: Why is it hard to set boundaries with our loved ones?
A: If we have people-pleasing tendencies, or we just want to keep the peace, sometimes we are not great at setting boundaries in our relationships. We may also predict others’ reactions to our limit setting and decide it’s not worth it before we even try. But setting firmer guidelines and limits will make relationships better. It leads to more trust and mutual respect in the relationship.
Q: What if the other person resents the boundaries I want to set?
A: When you set a boundary where one did not exist before, you can expect a big – and sometimes negative – reaction from your loved one. People don’t like how your boundary feels to them. It is a change, and it will take some getting used to. The transition time can be hard to tolerate – for everyone, including you. Remember you can’t control how someone else feels. Stick with it!
Q: How do I know if I need to set boundaries?
A: Ask yourself what is working and what is not working in the relationship. What is causing you anxiety? What needs to change? Think about what you value and what goals you want to achieve.
Q: What is the best way to get started with setting boundaries?
A: Start by identifying your needs and wants. That will help you know where you need to set limits. Communicate your boundaries with your loved ones and be clear about what you are asking for, and then be consistent in taking the action you have determined.
Q: Can you give an example of a boundary and how to communicate it?
A: Sure. Let’s say you’ve decided that you need 15 minutes of quiet time at the end of each day. Let your loved ones know that this is what you need and that you intend to observe the quiet time from 8 to 8:15 every evening. Explain that during that time you can’t attend to their needs and will not tolerate interruptions. You might say that this time is important to you because it helps you stay calm and focused before preparing for the next day. Use “I” statements to help communicate the importance of this boundary. For example: “I need this time to meditate and reflect,” instead of “you need to leave me alone for 15 minutes!” Then respect your own boundary and take the time you carve out for yourself.
Q: What happens if my loved ones don’t respect my boundary even after I’ve communicated it clearly?
A: Reiterate respectfully the boundary that you’ve set. If necessary, compromise on an aspect of the boundary, but stay committed to it. In some cases, it might be appropriate to include consequences for boundary violations. (Example: If I cannot have this uninterrupted time, I will remove myself from the house during that time so that I can get it.)
Q: How can I learn more about setting boundaries?
A: Consider joining a group of people committed to learning how to set boundaries, like the one I will be offering, Building Better Boundaries. For more information about my eight-week group on boundaries, click here.
The Power of a Pause
Some years ago, I observed a woman who prided herself on being an efficient, multi-tasking mom. She held a high-power full-time job, managed a household with a partner and children, showed up for her friends and family consistently, and engaged in various community events. People seemed to know that if you needed something done, she was the one to do it. And, she seemed to thrive on being busy. Yet, as I got to know her better, I noticed that this mom’s crammed schedule left her with no time for self-care or spontaneous play with her family. With all of her time and energy exhausted on these commitments, she was often abrupt with her kids and harried in her responses to adults. The more she agreed to take on, the more anxious and depleted she became.
We all have a threshold and finally one day, this mom reached her capacity and admitted she felt so overwhelmed but didn’t know how to say “no.”
That blunt admission is true of so many people who have not learned how to set appropriate boundaries. In fact, I see the story of this mom in many of the clients I work with. Most of us gain an understanding of boundaries from our early childhood experiences, particularly through family dynamics, cultural norms and social interactions.
Yet, in a recent study, more than half of respondents reported that they have a hard time saying “no” to others. And three-quarters of them said they lied to get out of doing something that they committed to doing and wish they hadn’t.
Sometimes we get so absorbed in being the “go-to” person, that we respond quickly and affirmatively to requests. Whether it’s a fear of missing out, or letting someone down, we can’t say no.
If this sounds like you and you need practice setting boundaries, I have found one surefire way to get started. Pause.
When you find yourself in a situation where you are being asked to do something, take a beat and pause. You might say, “Give me a moment to think about that.” Then genuinely reflect on whether you can commit yourself to the task. You might follow up by saying, “I’ll need some more time to consider your request.”
These brief moments and calm responses free you from the knee-jerk reaction of saying “yes” out of habit. Instead, you are setting an appropriate boundary that allows you time to ask yourself: “Do I want to take on this task? Do I have the time necessary to do it well? Am I willing to put aside my own plans to help this person?” “How will I feel after I do what is being asked of me?”
There is power in a pause. If saying no feels daunting, take this initial step in setting limits. Taking five extra seconds for yourself will help you begin to develop this boundary setting skill. It’s a skill I encourage all multi-tasking moms to practice.
If you are interested in learning more about setting boundaries, lets connect:
1. Follow me on social media (@LiveGoodEnough) where I frequently share tips for moms about healthy boundaries
2. Join me at the Lodge at Woodloch where I will be a guest speaker on October 25th talking about Setting Boundaries and The Psychology of Motherhood
3. Reach out and set up a free 15-minute phone consultation and see if therapy might be the next step in your boundary setting journey
The #1 Way to Reduce Your Stress
I recently shared a blog about how parents are under pressure to highlight the real stress parents are dealing with. In fact, recent research conducted by the American Psychological Association reports that more than half the parents in this country are overwhelmed by stress. And, according to the study, most suffer in silence. There’s a better way and I am going to tell you one of the most important things you can do to reduce your stress.
As a licensed clinical psychologist, I help perfectionistic, people pleasing, mamas set healthy boundaries. I have seen that setting boundaries is one of the most effective ways to manage stress. Boundaries can help you focus on what's important and can aid in minimizing stress. By saying no to things or at least taking more time to give a response we give ourselves time to pause, reflect and regulate which can help reduce stress and anxiety.
So, what are boundaries?
Simply put, they are limits or rules we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others and help us maintain our own health. (PS. Boundaries are not a way to control other peoples’ behavior, they are meant to adjust how we respond and behave).
How do you know if you need to set boundaries? Ask yourself these questions:
· Do I feel resentful when people ask too much of me?
· Do I feel upset because it feels as if I’m doing more for others than they are doing for me?
· Do I agree to do things that I’d rather not do or regret saying yes to?
If the answer to any of these questions was “yes”, then there is a good chance you need to start setting some more boundaries.
Setting boundaries is often easier said than done though. Why is it so hard to set boundaries?
Setting and enforcing boundaries can be difficult for a variety of reasons. We often learn about boundaries from our early life experiences, particularly through family dynamics, cultural norms, and social interactions. The way our caregivers respected or violated our personal space and needs often shapes our understanding of boundaries. These patterns typically continue into our adult relationships and inform how we set and uphold boundaries. That early childhood experience is usually the difference between people who set boundaries easily and those who need more practice.
So, if you fall into the camp of needing a little more practice with setting boundaries, I want to offer you a beginners guide for boundary setting.
If you suspect you’re under stress caused by taking on too much, consider practicing with a boundary that’s easy to communicate, is somewhat low stakes but is meaningful to you. For example, establishing “quiet time” for yourself.
· Start by telling the people in your family that you are feeling stressed, and you need to start implementing “quiet time.”
· Tell your family when you plan to take this break. Be specific. Tell them what day and time or how frequently you plan to do this.
· Start small- try 10 or 15 minutes at first
· Let your family know that during this time, household and childcare duties will need taken over by someone else
· Follow through and actually take the break. No one will ever learn to respect your boundaries if you don’t even take them seriously
· Reflect on how it felt to set a limit and take time for yourself
At first, setting a boundary and sticking to it will feel unnatural. You might be afraid of coming across as mean or heartless. You may feel guilty for making another person feel uncomfortable. Remember that these feelings are normal and to be expected. Know that setting boundaries can be the kindest thing you can do for yourself and others.
If you are interested in learning more about setting boundaries, lets connect:
1. Follow me on social media (@LiveGoodEnough) where I frequently share tips for moms about healthy boundaries
2. Join me at the Lodge at Woodloch where I will be a guest speaker on October 25th
3. Reach out and set up a free 15-minute phone consultation and see if therapy might be the next step in your boundary setting journey
Parents Under Pressure
The United States Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy has issued an advisory to call attention to the enormity of parents’ stress and mental health. He cited a recent study by the American Psychology Association that reported nearly half of all parents in this country say that most days their stress is overwhelming. Yet, 65 percent of these parents admit that they don’t talk about their stress because they don’t want to burden others.
As a psychologist who provides therapy during pregnancy, postpartum, and into parenting, I can attest to what Dr. Murthy is reporting-- parents are stressed! You might be saying to yourself— “duh, parenting is stressful, that isn’t news.” What I find most interesting about this report though, is that 65 percent of parents aren’t talking about it. When we experience stress but must keep it in or feel as though we’re a burden to others, this is even worse for our mental health. In his editorial in The New York Times, Murthy wrote: “Stress… can easily affect people’s mental health and well-being. And we know that the mental health of parents has a direct impact on the mental health of children.”
Parental stress and mental health issues have lasting impacts on children. I’ve shared about this in some of my other blogs, but parental stress, aggression, and mental health issues can impact your child’s cognitive development and impact their academic success. Research also suggests it is a factor in emotional difficulties for children later in life, and they are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and other social-emotional and relationship issues.
I frequently see parental stress first-hand and observe the impact it has as a therapist for moms. In fact, new moms particularly experience a variety of stressors that can make it difficult for them to function in daily life. In fact, 50 percent of parents say that when they are stressed, they can’t bring themselves to do anything. Unfortunately, that might also mean seeking help. The demands of parenting, and the complex emotions that go with them, exacerbated by unrelenting stress, can lead to a sense of isolation and loneliness. Sixty-two percent of parents today report that no one understands how stressed out they are.
If you are a parent under pressure and can relate to these feelings, I want you to know you are not alone. Getting help can be hard, especially when it falls to the very bottom of your packed “to do” list. Perhaps right now, you are just looking for more information and resources. Some places I recommend checking out for more would be: The Surgeon General’s office, The American Psychological Association, and a directory of therapists in your geographic area.
If you’re ready to take the next step and want to learn more about how therapy can help, click here to get in touch and we can set up a free fifteen-minute phone call. I am authorized by PSYPACT to meet with patients across most states in the country via tele-health. Parents who prioritize the well-being of their entire family can get the support they need to identify the sources of stress and find healthy ways to overcome their detrimental effects. Parenthood isn’t perfect, but it can definitely be “good enough.”
You would be angry too…
Picture this—your home is a mess, dishes aren’t done, toys are all over the place. You’ve got your phone in one hand, scrolling to keep up with work emails as they come in. In the other hand, a plate of food you’ve just prepared for you hangry toddler. They start screaming because you cut the banana the wrong way and just as you start to reason with them, you catch a glimpse of your mom bun that isn’t quite as chic as you imagined. That’s it, you lose it— “eat the f*cking banana!” you yell at your toddler. And the tears start to pour… for both of you. Sound familiar?
Moms all over are experiencing this or a similar scene, when the demands of modern motherhood are sending them into rageful fits, usually ending in angry outbursts directed at their children, partners, or friends. A phenomenon people are calling, “mom rage”.
What is Mom Rage?
Experts suggest mom rage, although not a clinical definition, is uncontrollable anger which can lead to explosive outbursts. This often happens because moms are burnt out and experiencing a lack of support coupled with unrealistic demands. Moms these days are carrying an insurmountable load and are led to believe this is normal. This expectation leads us to believe that we just have to push through it. The more we push these feelings down and “white knuckle” it through parenthood, the more anger seems to sneak up and explode.
Why Does Mom Rage Happen?
There are a number of reasons moms are feeling angry. And I want to clarify that, if you’re a mom and you feel anger, this does not mean you are an “angry mom” or “bad mom”. Anger is a feeling we all experience, and there is nothing inherently wrong with it. In my opinion, anger gets bad PR. The problem with anger isn’t the actual feeling but how we express and cope with it. Anger is often the tip of the “iceberg”. When we express the outward feeling of anger, there are usually other feelings underlying it like shame, guilt, grief, and disappointment. Since it can be such a loaded emotion, the way it comes out can be unpredictable. So, considering all of this, moms rage because of:
A Lack of Support: No matter what your parenting arrangement (solo parenting, co-parenting, partnered, working parent) is, it can be extremely hard and stressful. Having limited support in place makes it harder. This might mean that you are the full-time childcare provider, and you are burnt out. Or perhaps you work full time and struggle to balance you family and work life.
Unrealistic expectations: if you are confused about how you should be parenting—I get it. With a variety of parenting styles marketed to us as the best, it’s hard to know what’s right. You’re supposed to be gentle, but firm. Calm, yet playful. Understanding, but setting limits. As parents, and especially as moms, you’re supposed to do it all, and do it right. There are endless expectations set on moms. Whether it is about how to feed your baby, when to return to work, or how to parent, you’re expected to figure it out. And what makes it even more impossible is that just when you think you’ve got it figure out someone shares an opinion about how you’re not doing it right or not doing enough. Its draining.
Limited self-care: when is the last time you felt well? Nearly 80% of moms say they put their family’s health before their own. How can we expect moms to take care of others when they are pushing important things like sleep, nutrition, movement, and relaxation to the bottom of the list or even leaving it off completely? When we don’t take care of ourselves, we deplete our resources. This can lead to us becoming overstimulated much more quickly. Our kids whining and crying sends of over the edge, because our nervous system is already worn-out and dysregulated. Self-care is an important component of nurturing and regulating our whole selves. Keep in mind, a dysregulated parent can’t help regulate a dysregulated kid.
PMADs: many women experience postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. When we think of a PMAD though, we usually are on the look out for sadness or worry in a new mom. One of the common symptoms of a PMAD though, is rage, or intense irritability. If you are experiencing anger, along with other symptoms during postpartum, you might have a PMAD.
What can I do about it?
It might feel like raging is just a part of motherhood and there is nothing you can do about. You should know though, that motherhood does not have to be filled with frustration and there are some ways to address the anger you’re feeling.
1. Talk about it- when we fail to make space to talk about mom rage, we force mothers to feel guilty, shameful, and, alone in their experiences. Talking about this experience will help put shame to the side and make room for real conversations about why mom rage happens and what to do about it.
2. Get support- Whether this means sharing more of the demands of parenting with a partner or other family members, you can’t do it alone. If getting support from loved ones is hard, consider therapy. Therapy is a great place to talk about the rage you may be feeling when it comes to motherhood and develop healthy coping strategies to manage it.
3. Demand change- mom rage fits perfectly into the saying “the personal is political”. Moms experience the frustrations of parenting on a personal level, but many of the issues related to parenting are part of larger structural and cultural issues. Unpaid parental leave, unaffordable childcare, and unseen labor of mothering are some of the major changes that society needs to make to reduce rage moms are feeling. If you are looking for a way to help a mom out, this might be one way for you to get involved and make some change.
Why does this matter?
Think about the last time you blew up or had a shouting match. Maybe it felt good temporarily and, in the moment, to blow off some steam, but in the long run, it feels pretty bad to be angry. Often our angry outburst can impact the people around us too because we are externalizing the feelings.
Mom rage can lead to both physical and verbal eruptions and even abuse. When it is directed at another person like a partner or child, it can be dangerous. Those on the receiving end of our rage can suffer serious impacts. Children who experience parental verbal aggression are more likely to suffer from mood and anxiety related disorders. Studies have also shown that forms of physical aggression like spanking are linked to lower IQ, and potential future substance abuse. These forms of punishment or aggression are also linked with poorer self-esteem in children. None of these are things you want for your children and so talking about, coping with and navigating your anger is essential not only for your wellbeing, but also for your child.
In the midst of the chaos of modern motherhood, it's easy to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and yes, sometimes even enraged. But let's remember, anger is not a permanent state, and you don’t need to label yourself as an “angry mom”. Instead, the next time you feel mom rage, take it as a signal, a sign that something deeper needs attention. If you are ready to get curious about your rage, become a calmer parent, or want to learn more about how therapy can help, reach out to set up a free 15-minute consultation.
Sources:
https://www.today.com/parents/moms/mom-rage-rcna118985
https://cerebral.com/care-resources/anger-iceberg
https://www.popsugar.com/family/different-styles-parenting-34557353
https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/we-should-we-be-normalizing-mom-rage/
https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/early-warning-signs-postpartum-depression
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10321771/
