The Power of a Pause
Some years ago, I observed a woman who prided herself on being an efficient, multi-tasking mom. She held a high-power full-time job, managed a household with a partner and children, showed up for her friends and family consistently, and engaged in various community events. People seemed to know that if you needed something done, she was the one to do it. And, she seemed to thrive on being busy. Yet, as I got to know her better, I noticed that this mom’s crammed schedule left her with no time for self-care or spontaneous play with her family. With all of her time and energy exhausted on these commitments, she was often abrupt with her kids and harried in her responses to adults. The more she agreed to take on, the more anxious and depleted she became.
We all have a threshold and finally one day, this mom reached her capacity and admitted she felt so overwhelmed but didn’t know how to say “no.”
That blunt admission is true of so many people who have not learned how to set appropriate boundaries. In fact, I see the story of this mom in many of the clients I work with. Most of us gain an understanding of boundaries from our early childhood experiences, particularly through family dynamics, cultural norms and social interactions.
Yet, in a recent study, more than half of respondents reported that they have a hard time saying “no” to others. And three-quarters of them said they lied to get out of doing something that they committed to doing and wish they hadn’t.
Sometimes we get so absorbed in being the “go-to” person, that we respond quickly and affirmatively to requests. Whether it’s a fear of missing out, or letting someone down, we can’t say no.
If this sounds like you and you need practice setting boundaries, I have found one surefire way to get started. Pause.
When you find yourself in a situation where you are being asked to do something, take a beat and pause. You might say, “Give me a moment to think about that.” Then genuinely reflect on whether you can commit yourself to the task. You might follow up by saying, “I’ll need some more time to consider your request.”
These brief moments and calm responses free you from the knee-jerk reaction of saying “yes” out of habit. Instead, you are setting an appropriate boundary that allows you time to ask yourself: “Do I want to take on this task? Do I have the time necessary to do it well? Am I willing to put aside my own plans to help this person?” “How will I feel after I do what is being asked of me?”
There is power in a pause. If saying no feels daunting, take this initial step in setting limits. Taking five extra seconds for yourself will help you begin to develop this boundary setting skill. It’s a skill I encourage all multi-tasking moms to practice.
If you are interested in learning more about setting boundaries, lets connect:
1. Follow me on social media (@LiveGoodEnough) where I frequently share tips for moms about healthy boundaries
2. Join me at the Lodge at Woodloch where I will be a guest speaker on October 25th talking about Setting Boundaries and The Psychology of Motherhood
3. Reach out and set up a free 15-minute phone consultation and see if therapy might be the next step in your boundary setting journey