You would be angry too…
Picture this—your home is a mess, dishes aren’t done, toys are all over the place. You’ve got your phone in one hand, scrolling to keep up with work emails as they come in. In the other hand, a plate of food you’ve just prepared for you hangry toddler. They start screaming because you cut the banana the wrong way and just as you start to reason with them, you catch a glimpse of your mom bun that isn’t quite as chic as you imagined. That’s it, you lose it— “eat the f*cking banana!” you yell at your toddler. And the tears start to pour… for both of you. Sound familiar?
Moms all over are experiencing this or a similar scene, when the demands of modern motherhood are sending them into rageful fits, usually ending in angry outbursts directed at their children, partners, or friends. A phenomenon people are calling, “mom rage”.
What is Mom Rage?
Experts suggest mom rage, although not a clinical definition, is uncontrollable anger which can lead to explosive outbursts. This often happens because moms are burnt out and experiencing a lack of support coupled with unrealistic demands. Moms these days are carrying an insurmountable load and are led to believe this is normal. This expectation leads us to believe that we just have to push through it. The more we push these feelings down and “white knuckle” it through parenthood, the more anger seems to sneak up and explode.
Why Does Mom Rage Happen?
There are a number of reasons moms are feeling angry. And I want to clarify that, if you’re a mom and you feel anger, this does not mean you are an “angry mom” or “bad mom”. Anger is a feeling we all experience, and there is nothing inherently wrong with it. In my opinion, anger gets bad PR. The problem with anger isn’t the actual feeling but how we express and cope with it. Anger is often the tip of the “iceberg”. When we express the outward feeling of anger, there are usually other feelings underlying it like shame, guilt, grief, and disappointment. Since it can be such a loaded emotion, the way it comes out can be unpredictable. So, considering all of this, moms rage because of:
A Lack of Support: No matter what your parenting arrangement (solo parenting, co-parenting, partnered, working parent) is, it can be extremely hard and stressful. Having limited support in place makes it harder. This might mean that you are the full-time childcare provider, and you are burnt out. Or perhaps you work full time and struggle to balance you family and work life.
Unrealistic expectations: if you are confused about how you should be parenting—I get it. With a variety of parenting styles marketed to us as the best, it’s hard to know what’s right. You’re supposed to be gentle, but firm. Calm, yet playful. Understanding, but setting limits. As parents, and especially as moms, you’re supposed to do it all, and do it right. There are endless expectations set on moms. Whether it is about how to feed your baby, when to return to work, or how to parent, you’re expected to figure it out. And what makes it even more impossible is that just when you think you’ve got it figure out someone shares an opinion about how you’re not doing it right or not doing enough. Its draining.
Limited self-care: when is the last time you felt well? Nearly 80% of moms say they put their family’s health before their own. How can we expect moms to take care of others when they are pushing important things like sleep, nutrition, movement, and relaxation to the bottom of the list or even leaving it off completely? When we don’t take care of ourselves, we deplete our resources. This can lead to us becoming overstimulated much more quickly. Our kids whining and crying sends of over the edge, because our nervous system is already worn-out and dysregulated. Self-care is an important component of nurturing and regulating our whole selves. Keep in mind, a dysregulated parent can’t help regulate a dysregulated kid.
PMADs: many women experience postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. When we think of a PMAD though, we usually are on the look out for sadness or worry in a new mom. One of the common symptoms of a PMAD though, is rage, or intense irritability. If you are experiencing anger, along with other symptoms during postpartum, you might have a PMAD.
What can I do about it?
It might feel like raging is just a part of motherhood and there is nothing you can do about. You should know though, that motherhood does not have to be filled with frustration and there are some ways to address the anger you’re feeling.
1. Talk about it- when we fail to make space to talk about mom rage, we force mothers to feel guilty, shameful, and, alone in their experiences. Talking about this experience will help put shame to the side and make room for real conversations about why mom rage happens and what to do about it.
2. Get support- Whether this means sharing more of the demands of parenting with a partner or other family members, you can’t do it alone. If getting support from loved ones is hard, consider therapy. Therapy is a great place to talk about the rage you may be feeling when it comes to motherhood and develop healthy coping strategies to manage it.
3. Demand change- mom rage fits perfectly into the saying “the personal is political”. Moms experience the frustrations of parenting on a personal level, but many of the issues related to parenting are part of larger structural and cultural issues. Unpaid parental leave, unaffordable childcare, and unseen labor of mothering are some of the major changes that society needs to make to reduce rage moms are feeling. If you are looking for a way to help a mom out, this might be one way for you to get involved and make some change.
Why does this matter?
Think about the last time you blew up or had a shouting match. Maybe it felt good temporarily and, in the moment, to blow off some steam, but in the long run, it feels pretty bad to be angry. Often our angry outburst can impact the people around us too because we are externalizing the feelings.
Mom rage can lead to both physical and verbal eruptions and even abuse. When it is directed at another person like a partner or child, it can be dangerous. Those on the receiving end of our rage can suffer serious impacts. Children who experience parental verbal aggression are more likely to suffer from mood and anxiety related disorders. Studies have also shown that forms of physical aggression like spanking are linked to lower IQ, and potential future substance abuse. These forms of punishment or aggression are also linked with poorer self-esteem in children. None of these are things you want for your children and so talking about, coping with and navigating your anger is essential not only for your wellbeing, but also for your child.
In the midst of the chaos of modern motherhood, it's easy to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and yes, sometimes even enraged. But let's remember, anger is not a permanent state, and you don’t need to label yourself as an “angry mom”. Instead, the next time you feel mom rage, take it as a signal, a sign that something deeper needs attention. If you are ready to get curious about your rage, become a calmer parent, or want to learn more about how therapy can help, reach out to set up a free 15-minute consultation.
Sources:
https://www.today.com/parents/moms/mom-rage-rcna118985
https://cerebral.com/care-resources/anger-iceberg
https://www.popsugar.com/family/different-styles-parenting-34557353
https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/we-should-we-be-normalizing-mom-rage/
https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/early-warning-signs-postpartum-depression
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10321771/