Boundaries FAQ
Most of us learn early in life about boundaries. As children, we are taught to keep our hands to ourselves, color within the lines, and cover a sneeze with our elbow. Boundaries help us get along with others and establish appropriate behaviors. As we mature, however, societal boundaries can become more nuanced, and our responses more complicated.
In my practice, I often meet people who ask for help in setting boundaries in their relationships. They are tired of people pleasing tendencies are looking for ways to take care of themselves while maintaining the relationships they care most about. Following are some commonly asked questions and answers that could be helpful for if you are feeling like the above:
Q: What exactly is a boundary?
A: Boundaries are limits or rules we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others and help us maintain health.
Q: What is the benefit of setting boundaries?
A: It is essential to our happiness and well-being. Setting healthy boundaries helps reduce stress and anxiety, improve our relationships, and increase overall satisfaction in life.
Q: Why is it hard to set boundaries with our loved ones?
A: If we have people-pleasing tendencies, or we just want to keep the peace, sometimes we are not great at setting boundaries in our relationships. We may also predict others’ reactions to our limit setting and decide it’s not worth it before we even try. But setting firmer guidelines and limits will make relationships better. It leads to more trust and mutual respect in the relationship.
Q: What if the other person resents the boundaries I want to set?
A: When you set a boundary where one did not exist before, you can expect a big – and sometimes negative – reaction from your loved one. People don’t like how your boundary feels to them. It is a change, and it will take some getting used to. The transition time can be hard to tolerate – for everyone, including you. Remember you can’t control how someone else feels. Stick with it!
Q: How do I know if I need to set boundaries?
A: Ask yourself what is working and what is not working in the relationship. What is causing you anxiety? What needs to change? Think about what you value and what goals you want to achieve.
Q: What is the best way to get started with setting boundaries?
A: Start by identifying your needs and wants. That will help you know where you need to set limits. Communicate your boundaries with your loved ones and be clear about what you are asking for, and then be consistent in taking the action you have determined.
Q: Can you give an example of a boundary and how to communicate it?
A: Sure. Let’s say you’ve decided that you need 15 minutes of quiet time at the end of each day. Let your loved ones know that this is what you need and that you intend to observe the quiet time from 8 to 8:15 every evening. Explain that during that time you can’t attend to their needs and will not tolerate interruptions. You might say that this time is important to you because it helps you stay calm and focused before preparing for the next day. Use “I” statements to help communicate the importance of this boundary. For example: “I need this time to meditate and reflect,” instead of “you need to leave me alone for 15 minutes!” Then respect your own boundary and take the time you carve out for yourself.
Q: What happens if my loved ones don’t respect my boundary even after I’ve communicated it clearly?
A: Reiterate respectfully the boundary that you’ve set. If necessary, compromise on an aspect of the boundary, but stay committed to it. In some cases, it might be appropriate to include consequences for boundary violations. (Example: If I cannot have this uninterrupted time, I will remove myself from the house during that time so that I can get it.)
Q: How can I learn more about setting boundaries?
A: Consider joining a group of people committed to learning how to set boundaries, like the one I will be offering, Building Better Boundaries. For more information about my eight-week group on boundaries, click here.