The Power of a Pause
Some years ago, I observed a woman who prided herself on being an efficient, multi-tasking mom. She held a high-power full-time job, managed a household with a partner and children, showed up for her friends and family consistently, and engaged in various community events. People seemed to know that if you needed something done, she was the one to do it. And, she seemed to thrive on being busy. Yet, as I got to know her better, I noticed that this mom’s crammed schedule left her with no time for self-care or spontaneous play with her family. With all of her time and energy exhausted on these commitments, she was often abrupt with her kids and harried in her responses to adults. The more she agreed to take on, the more anxious and depleted she became.
We all have a threshold and finally one day, this mom reached her capacity and admitted she felt so overwhelmed but didn’t know how to say “no.”
That blunt admission is true of so many people who have not learned how to set appropriate boundaries. In fact, I see the story of this mom in many of the clients I work with. Most of us gain an understanding of boundaries from our early childhood experiences, particularly through family dynamics, cultural norms and social interactions.
Yet, in a recent study, more than half of respondents reported that they have a hard time saying “no” to others. And three-quarters of them said they lied to get out of doing something that they committed to doing and wish they hadn’t.
Sometimes we get so absorbed in being the “go-to” person, that we respond quickly and affirmatively to requests. Whether it’s a fear of missing out, or letting someone down, we can’t say no.
If this sounds like you and you need practice setting boundaries, I have found one surefire way to get started. Pause.
When you find yourself in a situation where you are being asked to do something, take a beat and pause. You might say, “Give me a moment to think about that.” Then genuinely reflect on whether you can commit yourself to the task. You might follow up by saying, “I’ll need some more time to consider your request.”
These brief moments and calm responses free you from the knee-jerk reaction of saying “yes” out of habit. Instead, you are setting an appropriate boundary that allows you time to ask yourself: “Do I want to take on this task? Do I have the time necessary to do it well? Am I willing to put aside my own plans to help this person?” “How will I feel after I do what is being asked of me?”
There is power in a pause. If saying no feels daunting, take this initial step in setting limits. Taking five extra seconds for yourself will help you begin to develop this boundary setting skill. It’s a skill I encourage all multi-tasking moms to practice.
If you are interested in learning more about setting boundaries, lets connect:
1. Follow me on social media (@LiveGoodEnough) where I frequently share tips for moms about healthy boundaries
2. Join me at the Lodge at Woodloch where I will be a guest speaker on October 25th talking about Setting Boundaries and The Psychology of Motherhood
3. Reach out and set up a free 15-minute phone consultation and see if therapy might be the next step in your boundary setting journey
The #1 Way to Reduce Your Stress
I recently shared a blog about how parents are under pressure to highlight the real stress parents are dealing with. In fact, recent research conducted by the American Psychological Association reports that more than half the parents in this country are overwhelmed by stress. And, according to the study, most suffer in silence. There’s a better way and I am going to tell you one of the most important things you can do to reduce your stress.
As a licensed clinical psychologist, I help perfectionistic, people pleasing, mamas set healthy boundaries. I have seen that setting boundaries is one of the most effective ways to manage stress. Boundaries can help you focus on what's important and can aid in minimizing stress. By saying no to things or at least taking more time to give a response we give ourselves time to pause, reflect and regulate which can help reduce stress and anxiety.
So, what are boundaries?
Simply put, they are limits or rules we set to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others and help us maintain our own health. (PS. Boundaries are not a way to control other peoples’ behavior, they are meant to adjust how we respond and behave).
How do you know if you need to set boundaries? Ask yourself these questions:
· Do I feel resentful when people ask too much of me?
· Do I feel upset because it feels as if I’m doing more for others than they are doing for me?
· Do I agree to do things that I’d rather not do or regret saying yes to?
If the answer to any of these questions was “yes”, then there is a good chance you need to start setting some more boundaries.
Setting boundaries is often easier said than done though. Why is it so hard to set boundaries?
Setting and enforcing boundaries can be difficult for a variety of reasons. We often learn about boundaries from our early life experiences, particularly through family dynamics, cultural norms, and social interactions. The way our caregivers respected or violated our personal space and needs often shapes our understanding of boundaries. These patterns typically continue into our adult relationships and inform how we set and uphold boundaries. That early childhood experience is usually the difference between people who set boundaries easily and those who need more practice.
So, if you fall into the camp of needing a little more practice with setting boundaries, I want to offer you a beginners guide for boundary setting.
If you suspect you’re under stress caused by taking on too much, consider practicing with a boundary that’s easy to communicate, is somewhat low stakes but is meaningful to you. For example, establishing “quiet time” for yourself.
· Start by telling the people in your family that you are feeling stressed, and you need to start implementing “quiet time.”
· Tell your family when you plan to take this break. Be specific. Tell them what day and time or how frequently you plan to do this.
· Start small- try 10 or 15 minutes at first
· Let your family know that during this time, household and childcare duties will need taken over by someone else
· Follow through and actually take the break. No one will ever learn to respect your boundaries if you don’t even take them seriously
· Reflect on how it felt to set a limit and take time for yourself
At first, setting a boundary and sticking to it will feel unnatural. You might be afraid of coming across as mean or heartless. You may feel guilty for making another person feel uncomfortable. Remember that these feelings are normal and to be expected. Know that setting boundaries can be the kindest thing you can do for yourself and others.
If you are interested in learning more about setting boundaries, lets connect:
1. Follow me on social media (@LiveGoodEnough) where I frequently share tips for moms about healthy boundaries
2. Join me at the Lodge at Woodloch where I will be a guest speaker on October 25th
3. Reach out and set up a free 15-minute phone consultation and see if therapy might be the next step in your boundary setting journey
Parents Under Pressure
The United States Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek H. Murthy has issued an advisory to call attention to the enormity of parents’ stress and mental health. He cited a recent study by the American Psychology Association that reported nearly half of all parents in this country say that most days their stress is overwhelming. Yet, 65 percent of these parents admit that they don’t talk about their stress because they don’t want to burden others.
As a psychologist who provides therapy during pregnancy, postpartum, and into parenting, I can attest to what Dr. Murthy is reporting-- parents are stressed! You might be saying to yourself— “duh, parenting is stressful, that isn’t news.” What I find most interesting about this report though, is that 65 percent of parents aren’t talking about it. When we experience stress but must keep it in or feel as though we’re a burden to others, this is even worse for our mental health. In his editorial in The New York Times, Murthy wrote: “Stress… can easily affect people’s mental health and well-being. And we know that the mental health of parents has a direct impact on the mental health of children.”
Parental stress and mental health issues have lasting impacts on children. I’ve shared about this in some of my other blogs, but parental stress, aggression, and mental health issues can impact your child’s cognitive development and impact their academic success. Research also suggests it is a factor in emotional difficulties for children later in life, and they are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and other social-emotional and relationship issues.
I frequently see parental stress first-hand and observe the impact it has as a therapist for moms. In fact, new moms particularly experience a variety of stressors that can make it difficult for them to function in daily life. In fact, 50 percent of parents say that when they are stressed, they can’t bring themselves to do anything. Unfortunately, that might also mean seeking help. The demands of parenting, and the complex emotions that go with them, exacerbated by unrelenting stress, can lead to a sense of isolation and loneliness. Sixty-two percent of parents today report that no one understands how stressed out they are.
If you are a parent under pressure and can relate to these feelings, I want you to know you are not alone. Getting help can be hard, especially when it falls to the very bottom of your packed “to do” list. Perhaps right now, you are just looking for more information and resources. Some places I recommend checking out for more would be: The Surgeon General’s office, The American Psychological Association, and a directory of therapists in your geographic area.
If you’re ready to take the next step and want to learn more about how therapy can help, click here to get in touch and we can set up a free fifteen-minute phone call. I am authorized by PSYPACT to meet with patients across most states in the country via tele-health. Parents who prioritize the well-being of their entire family can get the support they need to identify the sources of stress and find healthy ways to overcome their detrimental effects. Parenthood isn’t perfect, but it can definitely be “good enough.”
You would be angry too…
Picture this—your home is a mess, dishes aren’t done, toys are all over the place. You’ve got your phone in one hand, scrolling to keep up with work emails as they come in. In the other hand, a plate of food you’ve just prepared for you hangry toddler. They start screaming because you cut the banana the wrong way and just as you start to reason with them, you catch a glimpse of your mom bun that isn’t quite as chic as you imagined. That’s it, you lose it— “eat the f*cking banana!” you yell at your toddler. And the tears start to pour… for both of you. Sound familiar?
Moms all over are experiencing this or a similar scene, when the demands of modern motherhood are sending them into rageful fits, usually ending in angry outbursts directed at their children, partners, or friends. A phenomenon people are calling, “mom rage”.
What is Mom Rage?
Experts suggest mom rage, although not a clinical definition, is uncontrollable anger which can lead to explosive outbursts. This often happens because moms are burnt out and experiencing a lack of support coupled with unrealistic demands. Moms these days are carrying an insurmountable load and are led to believe this is normal. This expectation leads us to believe that we just have to push through it. The more we push these feelings down and “white knuckle” it through parenthood, the more anger seems to sneak up and explode.
Why Does Mom Rage Happen?
There are a number of reasons moms are feeling angry. And I want to clarify that, if you’re a mom and you feel anger, this does not mean you are an “angry mom” or “bad mom”. Anger is a feeling we all experience, and there is nothing inherently wrong with it. In my opinion, anger gets bad PR. The problem with anger isn’t the actual feeling but how we express and cope with it. Anger is often the tip of the “iceberg”. When we express the outward feeling of anger, there are usually other feelings underlying it like shame, guilt, grief, and disappointment. Since it can be such a loaded emotion, the way it comes out can be unpredictable. So, considering all of this, moms rage because of:
A Lack of Support: No matter what your parenting arrangement (solo parenting, co-parenting, partnered, working parent) is, it can be extremely hard and stressful. Having limited support in place makes it harder. This might mean that you are the full-time childcare provider, and you are burnt out. Or perhaps you work full time and struggle to balance you family and work life.
Unrealistic expectations: if you are confused about how you should be parenting—I get it. With a variety of parenting styles marketed to us as the best, it’s hard to know what’s right. You’re supposed to be gentle, but firm. Calm, yet playful. Understanding, but setting limits. As parents, and especially as moms, you’re supposed to do it all, and do it right. There are endless expectations set on moms. Whether it is about how to feed your baby, when to return to work, or how to parent, you’re expected to figure it out. And what makes it even more impossible is that just when you think you’ve got it figure out someone shares an opinion about how you’re not doing it right or not doing enough. Its draining.
Limited self-care: when is the last time you felt well? Nearly 80% of moms say they put their family’s health before their own. How can we expect moms to take care of others when they are pushing important things like sleep, nutrition, movement, and relaxation to the bottom of the list or even leaving it off completely? When we don’t take care of ourselves, we deplete our resources. This can lead to us becoming overstimulated much more quickly. Our kids whining and crying sends of over the edge, because our nervous system is already worn-out and dysregulated. Self-care is an important component of nurturing and regulating our whole selves. Keep in mind, a dysregulated parent can’t help regulate a dysregulated kid.
PMADs: many women experience postpartum mood and anxiety disorders. When we think of a PMAD though, we usually are on the look out for sadness or worry in a new mom. One of the common symptoms of a PMAD though, is rage, or intense irritability. If you are experiencing anger, along with other symptoms during postpartum, you might have a PMAD.
What can I do about it?
It might feel like raging is just a part of motherhood and there is nothing you can do about. You should know though, that motherhood does not have to be filled with frustration and there are some ways to address the anger you’re feeling.
1. Talk about it- when we fail to make space to talk about mom rage, we force mothers to feel guilty, shameful, and, alone in their experiences. Talking about this experience will help put shame to the side and make room for real conversations about why mom rage happens and what to do about it.
2. Get support- Whether this means sharing more of the demands of parenting with a partner or other family members, you can’t do it alone. If getting support from loved ones is hard, consider therapy. Therapy is a great place to talk about the rage you may be feeling when it comes to motherhood and develop healthy coping strategies to manage it.
3. Demand change- mom rage fits perfectly into the saying “the personal is political”. Moms experience the frustrations of parenting on a personal level, but many of the issues related to parenting are part of larger structural and cultural issues. Unpaid parental leave, unaffordable childcare, and unseen labor of mothering are some of the major changes that society needs to make to reduce rage moms are feeling. If you are looking for a way to help a mom out, this might be one way for you to get involved and make some change.
Why does this matter?
Think about the last time you blew up or had a shouting match. Maybe it felt good temporarily and, in the moment, to blow off some steam, but in the long run, it feels pretty bad to be angry. Often our angry outburst can impact the people around us too because we are externalizing the feelings.
Mom rage can lead to both physical and verbal eruptions and even abuse. When it is directed at another person like a partner or child, it can be dangerous. Those on the receiving end of our rage can suffer serious impacts. Children who experience parental verbal aggression are more likely to suffer from mood and anxiety related disorders. Studies have also shown that forms of physical aggression like spanking are linked to lower IQ, and potential future substance abuse. These forms of punishment or aggression are also linked with poorer self-esteem in children. None of these are things you want for your children and so talking about, coping with and navigating your anger is essential not only for your wellbeing, but also for your child.
In the midst of the chaos of modern motherhood, it's easy to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and yes, sometimes even enraged. But let's remember, anger is not a permanent state, and you don’t need to label yourself as an “angry mom”. Instead, the next time you feel mom rage, take it as a signal, a sign that something deeper needs attention. If you are ready to get curious about your rage, become a calmer parent, or want to learn more about how therapy can help, reach out to set up a free 15-minute consultation.
Sources:
https://www.today.com/parents/moms/mom-rage-rcna118985
https://cerebral.com/care-resources/anger-iceberg
https://www.popsugar.com/family/different-styles-parenting-34557353
https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/we-should-we-be-normalizing-mom-rage/
https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/early-warning-signs-postpartum-depression
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10321771/
Supporting New Moms: A Partner's Guide to Maternal Mental Health
May is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month, so I wanted to make sure and create space on the blog for education and support related to this topic. As a licensed clinical psychologist, who specializes in treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, this month feels like a really important opportunity to share some of the knowledge I have in order to continue to raise awareness, decrease stigma and increase access to effective mental health treatment.
Recently, there have been a lot more open and honest conversations about what pregnancy, motherhood, and parenting can really be like. Gone are the days of over-glamourizing this time of life. And even though the “realities” of parenting are much more exemplified on places like Instagram, those spaces don’t always provide good or accurate information about what to do when the proverbially “sh*t hits the fan”. Well first, let me give a brief introduction about what PMADs are and how you can get help.
Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders, or PMADs are distressing thoughts, feelings and experiences that occur during pregnancy and within the first year postpartum. One of the hardest things about distinguishing between “baby blues” and PMADs is that the signs and symptoms can look and feel very similar. One of the biggest differences to look out for though is how long the symptoms last. If you are experiencing symptoms such as mood changes, irritability, anxiety, tearfulness, and insomnia longer than two to three weeks during pregnancy or postpartum, or they are impacting your functioning, you might have a PMAD. The good news is that PMADs are treatable, and support is available. Treatment might include talk therapy, medication, or, a combination of both. Studies suggest that treatment such at Interpersonal Therapy (IPT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), medication, and unstructured counseling all help in remitting depression in postpartum moms. If you want to learn more about these specific topics related to PMADs check out my previous blog post linked here.
Now that you are a little more familiar with PMADs, what they are, and how to get help, I want to share more about a question I get asked a good amount. Partners often wonder “how do I help my partner with a PMAD?”. Here are five actionable things you can do to begin to support the new mom in your life:
1. Education- Reading this blog is a good start, but it is important to further your knowledge about PMADs if you are thinking of growing your family. This is not meant to scare you, but 1 in 5 women will experience a PMAD during pregnancy or postpartum. Start by becoming familiar with the signs and symptoms of a PMAD. Understand what some of the risk factors are and if you and your partner might have any of those. It is also important to know the difference between the “baby blues”, postpartum depressions, and a psychiatric emergency. As a quick recap, the “baby blues” are normal but drastic changes in your mood right after giving birth lasting for about two weeks. Postpartum depression is more severe, lasts longer than the baby blues, and can often make it hard to care for yourself and baby. Perinatal psychosis occurs in about .1-.2% of the birthing population. The onset is often sudden and usually happens closer to the birth, however, can happen within the first year postpartum. Some signs of postpartum psychosis include strange beliefs, hallucinations, and paranoia. Postpartum psychosis is always a psychiatric emergency. If you notice any of these signs or symptoms, it is important to get help right away.
2. Preparation- You’ve prepped the nursey, packed your hospital bags, and even devised an ideal birth plan. But what about a plan for your mental health? One thing I often work with pregnant clients on is a “mental health birth plan”. Work with your partner on creating a mental health plan. Talk about how you anticipate things going based on previous experiences, risk factors, and desires. Some things I suggest including in your plan would be having easy access to your therapist’s contact information immediately postpartum. If you give birth in a hospital, staff will assess your mental health after birth. If there are concerns, it can be very helpful for them to contact a provider who already knows you. If you’re not in therapy already, start by looking for some therapists who specialize in perinatal mental health or even have some consultation calls before your baby arrives so that if you need more support during postpartum you are already set up. Help your partner by looking up these individuals and possibly even making the first outreach to them.
3. Listen and Validate- It’s natural to jump into problem solving mode when we see someone we care about in pain. Of course, we don’t want to see them suffer, so if we can “fix” it, then they’ll feel better, right? Not always. Problem solving has its place but a good first step is listening and validating. This is especially needed for new moms. Becoming a parent is hard and sometimes you just need someone to hear how hard it is and validate that feeling. We might think that it’s helpful to downplay what a mom is telling us by saying something like “Don’t worry, it’ll get better” or “just remember how lucky you are to have a baby!” but these statements are dismissive and invalidating. Instead, be in it with the person you care about. When they tell you something is hard, they’re overwhelmed, or frustrated, you can say sonneting like “I can see how you feel that way” or “I’m here for you while you feel like this”. Statements like this help to strengthen relationships, help a person feel valued, and, can even foster better emotion regulation.
4. Don’t ask, just do. This tip is a break away from the suggestion of a “honey do list”. Many families function by breaking down tasks and divvying them up. Often times, this role is taken on by the mother. As a new mom though, something like taking stock of all the chores and asking someone else to help with them can be overwhelming. Rather than waiting or asking for your “honey do list”, just start doing things. Take on responsibilities with childcare and household tasks that the new mom in your life normally takes care of. Some examples might be figuring out meals, doing laundry, washing bottles, and, changing diapers. My suggestion is don’t ask what needs to be done, just take a look around and find something you can do.
5. Take care of yourself. You’ve done all the other things on this list and now you’re pretty exhausted yourself! Don’t forget that part of being a supportive partner is making sure you are taking care of yourself. Carve out time for both you and your partner to get some self-care. Come up with a schedule or engage in it together! It is important to note that broad research suggests that dads/non-birthing partners can also experience baby blues or postpartum depression. If you notice symptoms like a depressed mood, low energy, changes in sleep or appetite it could be beneficial to seek professional support like therapy.
Supporting a partner through parenthood and potentially PMADs can be a challenging journey. However, with education, preparation, active listening, proactive assistance, and self-care, it's possible to navigate these times together. If you or your partner are interested in learning more about how therapy can help you on this journey, reach out here. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and in my therapy practice we will work together so you can weather the storm and emerge stronger, more resilient, and connected as a family.
Sources:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3039003/
https://drvvitiello.com/blog/tv2av334ctkiol1ogr6g68jcibo7hp
https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/early-warning-signs-postpartum-depression
https://www.marchofdimes.org/find-support/topics/postpartum/baby-blues-after-pregnancy
