Supporting New Moms: A Partner's Guide to Maternal Mental Health
May is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month, so I wanted to make sure and create space on the blog for education and support related to this topic. As a licensed clinical psychologist, who specializes in treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, this month feels like a really important opportunity to share some of the knowledge I have in order to continue to raise awareness, decrease stigma and increase access to effective mental health treatment.
Recently, there have been a lot more open and honest conversations about what pregnancy, motherhood, and parenting can really be like. Gone are the days of over-glamourizing this time of life. And even though the “realities” of parenting are much more exemplified on places like Instagram, those spaces don’t always provide good or accurate information about what to do when the proverbially “sh*t hits the fan”. Well first, let me give a brief introduction about what PMADs are and how you can get help.
Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders, or PMADs are distressing thoughts, feelings and experiences that occur during pregnancy and within the first year postpartum. One of the hardest things about distinguishing between “baby blues” and PMADs is that the signs and symptoms can look and feel very similar. One of the biggest differences to look out for though is how long the symptoms last. If you are experiencing symptoms such as mood changes, irritability, anxiety, tearfulness, and insomnia longer than two to three weeks during pregnancy or postpartum, or they are impacting your functioning, you might have a PMAD. The good news is that PMADs are treatable, and support is available. Treatment might include talk therapy, medication, or, a combination of both. Studies suggest that treatment such at Interpersonal Therapy (IPT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), medication, and unstructured counseling all help in remitting depression in postpartum moms. If you want to learn more about these specific topics related to PMADs check out my previous blog post linked here.
Now that you are a little more familiar with PMADs, what they are, and how to get help, I want to share more about a question I get asked a good amount. Partners often wonder “how do I help my partner with a PMAD?”. Here are five actionable things you can do to begin to support the new mom in your life:
1. Education- Reading this blog is a good start, but it is important to further your knowledge about PMADs if you are thinking of growing your family. This is not meant to scare you, but 1 in 5 women will experience a PMAD during pregnancy or postpartum. Start by becoming familiar with the signs and symptoms of a PMAD. Understand what some of the risk factors are and if you and your partner might have any of those. It is also important to know the difference between the “baby blues”, postpartum depressions, and a psychiatric emergency. As a quick recap, the “baby blues” are normal but drastic changes in your mood right after giving birth lasting for about two weeks. Postpartum depression is more severe, lasts longer than the baby blues, and can often make it hard to care for yourself and baby. Perinatal psychosis occurs in about .1-.2% of the birthing population. The onset is often sudden and usually happens closer to the birth, however, can happen within the first year postpartum. Some signs of postpartum psychosis include strange beliefs, hallucinations, and paranoia. Postpartum psychosis is always a psychiatric emergency. If you notice any of these signs or symptoms, it is important to get help right away.
2. Preparation- You’ve prepped the nursey, packed your hospital bags, and even devised an ideal birth plan. But what about a plan for your mental health? One thing I often work with pregnant clients on is a “mental health birth plan”. Work with your partner on creating a mental health plan. Talk about how you anticipate things going based on previous experiences, risk factors, and desires. Some things I suggest including in your plan would be having easy access to your therapist’s contact information immediately postpartum. If you give birth in a hospital, staff will assess your mental health after birth. If there are concerns, it can be very helpful for them to contact a provider who already knows you. If you’re not in therapy already, start by looking for some therapists who specialize in perinatal mental health or even have some consultation calls before your baby arrives so that if you need more support during postpartum you are already set up. Help your partner by looking up these individuals and possibly even making the first outreach to them.
3. Listen and Validate- It’s natural to jump into problem solving mode when we see someone we care about in pain. Of course, we don’t want to see them suffer, so if we can “fix” it, then they’ll feel better, right? Not always. Problem solving has its place but a good first step is listening and validating. This is especially needed for new moms. Becoming a parent is hard and sometimes you just need someone to hear how hard it is and validate that feeling. We might think that it’s helpful to downplay what a mom is telling us by saying something like “Don’t worry, it’ll get better” or “just remember how lucky you are to have a baby!” but these statements are dismissive and invalidating. Instead, be in it with the person you care about. When they tell you something is hard, they’re overwhelmed, or frustrated, you can say sonneting like “I can see how you feel that way” or “I’m here for you while you feel like this”. Statements like this help to strengthen relationships, help a person feel valued, and, can even foster better emotion regulation.
4. Don’t ask, just do. This tip is a break away from the suggestion of a “honey do list”. Many families function by breaking down tasks and divvying them up. Often times, this role is taken on by the mother. As a new mom though, something like taking stock of all the chores and asking someone else to help with them can be overwhelming. Rather than waiting or asking for your “honey do list”, just start doing things. Take on responsibilities with childcare and household tasks that the new mom in your life normally takes care of. Some examples might be figuring out meals, doing laundry, washing bottles, and, changing diapers. My suggestion is don’t ask what needs to be done, just take a look around and find something you can do.
5. Take care of yourself. You’ve done all the other things on this list and now you’re pretty exhausted yourself! Don’t forget that part of being a supportive partner is making sure you are taking care of yourself. Carve out time for both you and your partner to get some self-care. Come up with a schedule or engage in it together! It is important to note that broad research suggests that dads/non-birthing partners can also experience baby blues or postpartum depression. If you notice symptoms like a depressed mood, low energy, changes in sleep or appetite it could be beneficial to seek professional support like therapy.
Supporting a partner through parenthood and potentially PMADs can be a challenging journey. However, with education, preparation, active listening, proactive assistance, and self-care, it's possible to navigate these times together. If you or your partner are interested in learning more about how therapy can help you on this journey, reach out here. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and in my therapy practice we will work together so you can weather the storm and emerge stronger, more resilient, and connected as a family.
Sources:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3039003/
https://drvvitiello.com/blog/tv2av334ctkiol1ogr6g68jcibo7hp
https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/early-warning-signs-postpartum-depression
https://www.marchofdimes.org/find-support/topics/postpartum/baby-blues-after-pregnancy