You want your partner to do more, but then they dress the baby and you don't like the outfit they picked. They start bedtime, but they aren't doing the routine exactly the way you usually do it, so you step in. You're leaving the house and find yourself packing the diaper bag because you know exactly what needs to go in it and, honestly, it's easier to just do it yourself. When you're going to be away, you leave detailed instructions about meals, naps, bottles, and everything else that needs to happen.
And then, at some point, you find yourself wondering why you're the one who has to think about everything.
I hear versions of this from moms all the time in my work, and I understand it differently now that I'm a mom myself. There are so many things I know about my son simply because I've spent so much time doing them. I know his routines, what he likes, what usually works, where things are, and how I would handle most situations. When you already know the answer, stepping in can genuinely feel easier than watching someone else figure it out.
But recently, while reading psychologist and neuroscientist Dr. Darby Saxbe's book Dad Brain, I found myself thinking more about a concept that comes up in family research: maternal gatekeeping.
Maternal gatekeeping refers to the ways mothers can influence another parent's involvement in childcare and family responsibilities. It can include encouraging involvement, but it can also include correcting, controlling, taking over, setting very specific standards, or limiting opportunities for the other parent to figure things out independently.
I want to be clear that maternal gatekeeping doesn't explain the entire unequal division of parenting. Women are still often expected to become the default parent, and many moms really are carrying more of the physical and mental labor of raising children. A partner who doesn't take initiative or responsibility can't simply point to maternal gatekeeping as the reason they aren't participating equally.
But I also don't think that means moms should ignore the ways we may be contributing to the dynamic.
Sometimes we can genuinely want our partner to carry more while also having a really hard time allowing them to carry it differently than we would. And if we want a more equitable parenting relationship, that may be something we have to work on too.
What Is Maternal Gatekeeping?
Maternal gatekeeping has been studied in family research for decades. The term generally describes behaviors and beliefs through which mothers can encourage or discourage another parent's involvement in parenting. Gate-opening behaviors support and encourage the other parent's involvement, while gate-closing behaviors may restrict, criticize, control, or interfere with it.
In everyday life, maternal gatekeeping can be surprisingly subtle. It might look like correcting how your partner dresses the baby, redoing something after they've completed it, giving very detailed instructions instead of allowing them to figure something out, stepping in as soon as the baby becomes upset, or deciding that certain parenting responsibilities are easier if you just handle them yourself.
It can also look like becoming the keeper of all the information. Your partner asks what the baby should eat, so you tell them. They ask when nap is, so you tell them. They ask what to pack, so you make the list. Eventually, one parent knows, anticipates, and manages everything while the other learns to come to that parent for answers.
Neither person necessarily sat down and decided this was how parenting would work. But eventually it can become the pattern.
Why Do Moms Engage in Maternal Gatekeeping?
I think it's important to understand why maternal gatekeeping happens because telling an overwhelmed mom to simply “let go” isn't particularly useful.
For many women, the imbalance begins before the baby is even born. Moms may be the ones researching baby gear, reading about feeding and sleep, attending more appointments, preparing for postpartum, and thinking ahead about what the baby will need. After birth, maternity leave, breastfeeding, or simply spending more time caregiving can create even more opportunities for mom to become the person who knows the baby best.
Our culture reinforces this too. Mothers are often expected to know. Family members ask mom. Schools and daycare may call mom. Medical providers may direct questions toward mom. Even in families that want an equitable division of parenting, motherhood can quietly become associated with expertise while the other parent becomes the helper.
But there can also be something happening internally, and this is where I think moms need to be willing to look at their own role.
In Dad Brain, Saxbe discusses research finding that “mothers were more likely to close gates if they were perfectionistic about parenting, reported more anxiety and depression before birth, or felt their relationship was unstable.”
That connection between maternal gatekeeping, anxiety, and perfectionism makes a lot of sense to me based on my work with moms. If you're already someone who worries about getting things right, motherhood gives you an almost endless number of things to potentially get wrong. Suddenly there are decisions about feeding, sleep, development, schedules, safety, childcare, and about a thousand other things you didn't know you were supposed to have an opinion about until you had a baby.
When you're anxious, knowing exactly how something will be done can make you feel safer. When you're perfectionistic, watching someone do it differently can feel uncomfortable even when their way is perfectly fine.
So you step in.
You know how to settle the baby faster, so you take over. You know what needs to go in the diaper bag, so you pack it. You know the nap schedule, so you manage it.
Those decisions may relieve anxiety in the moment, but when they happen over and over, they can also reinforce the exact parenting dynamic that eventually leaves you exhausted.
Understanding where maternal gatekeeping comes from doesn't mean we don't need to change it. In fact, I think understanding what is driving the behavior gives us a better chance of actually doing something differently.
When “Helping” Isn't the Same as Sharing the Parenting Load
One distinction I talk about often is the difference between a partner helping with parenting and a partner actually owning part of the parenting load.
Imagine you notice you're running low on diapers. You tell your partner you need more. They ask what size. You tell them. They ask which brand. You send the link. A few days later you realize they forgot to order them, so you remind them.
Your partner technically bought the diapers, but you still carried most of the task.
This is part of the mental load of motherhood that can be so exhausting because so much of the work is invisible. It's noticing, anticipating, remembering, planning, and making sure things actually happen.
But maternal gatekeeping can complicate this further.
If we ask our partner to take something over but continue to monitor, remind, correct, or dictate exactly how it gets done, we haven't actually relinquished responsibility. We've delegated the task while remaining the manager.
And you can't fully hand off a responsibility while continuing to supervise how it is done.
For moms who are already overwhelmed by the mental load, this is worth paying attention to. Sometimes the answer really is that your partner needs to take more responsibility. But sometimes part of creating that shift is recognizing where you need to stop managing them while they do it.
How Maternal Gatekeeping Can Become a Cycle
This was one of the parts of Dad Brain that I found particularly interesting.
Saxbe describes how maternal gatekeeping can develop into a pattern in which fathers feel judged, disempowered, or shut out from childcare. At the same time, mom may feel increasingly frustrated that she is the only one who knows how to do anything.
You can probably see how easily the cycle reinforces itself.
Mom spends more time doing something, so she becomes better at it. Because she's better at it, she does it more often. Her partner tries, but they do it differently or don't know something she already knows. She corrects them or takes over because it's faster. Her partner gets fewer opportunities to figure it out independently, which means mom continues to have more experience.
Eventually, both parents have plenty of evidence that mom is “better” at parenting.
I've heard moms say some version of, But he doesn't know how to do it.
Sometimes that's true. But then I think we have to ask: How did you learn?
Most of us learned by doing it. We spent time with our babies. We tried things. We got things wrong. We figured out what worked and what didn't. We had moments when the baby cried and we had absolutely no idea what they needed. Over time, we became more confident because we had repeated opportunities to figure it out.
This is also where Saxbe's research on the paternal brain becomes particularly interesting. Her work suggests that fathers' brains change as they become parents and that caregiving experience matters in that transition. Fathers don't necessarily become confident and responsive caregivers simply because a baby arrives; experience caring for their baby helps build those skills.
If fathers need caregiving experience to become more confident caregivers, they need opportunities to actually parent—not simply follow mom's instructions.
That doesn't mean ignoring something unsafe or pretending a partner doesn't have responsibility for learning and taking initiative. It means distinguishing between This isn't safe and This isn't how I would do it.
Those are not the same thing.
How Maternal Gatekeeping Can Contribute to Mom Burnout
This is where I think maternal gatekeeping becomes especially important when we're talking about mom burnout and the mental load of motherhood.
If you feel responsible for knowing everything and also responsible for making sure everyone else does everything correctly, there are very few parts of parenting your brain ever gets to fully put down.
You may technically get a break while your partner handles bedtime, but if you're listening from the other room wondering whether they remembered the pajamas, whether they're following the routine, or whether they're going to put the baby down at the right time, you aren't really off duty.
Over time, carrying that level of responsibility can contribute to exhaustion, irritability, resentment, and overwhelm. And then the pattern becomes self-reinforcing. The more you manage, the more knowledgeable you become. The more knowledgeable you become, the more necessary you feel. The more necessary you feel, the harder it becomes to step away.
This is the part where I think moms have some responsibility for interrupting the cycle.
Not responsibility for creating every inequity in their relationship. Not responsibility for making their partner participate. And certainly not responsibility for compensating for a partner who refuses to show up.
But responsibility for noticing when anxiety, perfectionism, or the need for control is making it difficult for someone else to fully participate.
We can acknowledge the enormous expectations placed on mothers and still ask ourselves whether we're holding onto responsibilities we desperately wish someone else would carry.
Working on Maternal Gatekeeping
If you recognize yourself in some of this, the goal isn't to suddenly stop caring about how anything gets done. It's to become more aware of the difference between an important parenting standard and a personal preference.
Before stepping in, it can be helpful to ask yourself what you're responding to. Is something actually unsafe? Is an important need not being met? Has your partner demonstrated repeatedly that they won't follow through? Or is this simply not the way you would have done it?
That distinction can be harder to tolerate than it sounds, particularly if anxiety or perfectionism is part of what drives your gatekeeping.
Working on maternal gatekeeping may mean allowing your partner to develop their own relationship with your child. It may mean letting them figure something out without immediately giving them the answer. It may mean leaving the house without preparing everything first. It may mean resisting the urge to redo something that was done adequately but differently.
And sometimes it means tolerating the discomfort of knowing that your partner might make a mistake.
That's how most of us learned too.
There is also an important question worth asking yourself: Do I want this responsibility shared, or do I want someone else to execute it according to my instructions?
Those aren't the same thing.
If what you really want is a more equitable parenting load, you may have to give up some control over exactly how that parenting happens.
Maternal Gatekeeping Is Not an Excuse for an Uninvolved Partner
None of this gives partners permission to disengage.
An adult parent is still responsible for learning how to care for their child, noticing what needs to be done, taking initiative, and following through. If one parent continually waits for instructions, avoids responsibility, or doesn't follow through, telling mom to “stop gatekeeping” misses the problem entirely.
Shared parenting requires work from both people.
One parent may need to practice stepping back, tolerating differences, and relinquishing control. The other may need to practice stepping forward, taking initiative, learning through experience, and accepting responsibility without waiting to be managed.
Sometimes both things need to happen at the same time.
It's also important to recognize that this conversation assumes a willing, capable, and safe coparent. There are situations where a mother has very legitimate reasons for maintaining more control over caregiving, and maternal gatekeeping should not be used as a blanket explanation for every unequal parenting relationship.
Moving From “Helper” to Equal Parent
I think the goal is bigger than getting dads or partners to “help more.”
The word help itself suggests that parenting belongs to one person and someone else is assisting them. A more equitable parenting relationship means both people have areas where they notice, remember, plan, make decisions, and follow through without needing another person to manage the process.
For moms, part of getting there may require some uncomfortable self-reflection. If you're exhausted from being the person who knows, manages, and remembers everything, it is absolutely worth looking at what your partner needs to take responsibility for. But it may also be worth looking at whether there are places where you have difficulty allowing them to do that.
Perfectionism can tell us there is one right way. Anxiety can tell us something bad will happen if we aren't in control. Motherhood can tell us that knowing and managing everything is somehow evidence that we're doing a good job.
Sometimes working toward a more equitable parenting relationship means challenging all three. Because if we want someone else to carry more of the parenting load, we also have to make room for them to actually carry it.
Therapy for Moms Struggling With Anxiety, Perfectionism, and the Mental Load
If you recognize yourself in this dynamic, you don't have to wait until you're completely burned out or resentful to address it. Therapy can be a place to look more closely at what you're carrying, what actually needs to change in your relationship, and whether anxiety, perfectionism, or difficulty relinquishing control is making it harder to share the parenting load.
In my work with moms, I help women understand the patterns underneath mom burnout, anxiety, perfectionism, relationship stress, and the mental load of motherhood. The goal isn't simply to tell you to “let go.” It's to understand why letting go feels difficult in the first place and help you decide where doing something differently might actually make motherhood feel more manageable.
If you're looking for more individualized support, I provide therapy for moms in New Jersey and New York, as well as teletherapy in PSYPACT states. You can reach out through my contact page to learn more about working together.