Learning to Travel Differently: Letting Go of Control After Becoming a Mom

Travel has always been a big part of my life. I’ve been fortunate to travel internationally quite a bit, and it is something I really enjoy. Before becoming a mom, I felt pretty confident in my ability to plan a trip, navigate a new place, and pack a lot into the time we had there. So, when we started planning our first international trip with our baby, traveling internationally wasn’t really the part that made me nervous. The big unknown was what it would be like to do this kind of trip with a baby.

Unsurprisingly, there were suddenly a lot more things to think about. What would we need for the flight? How would naps work? What would he eat? How would he adjust to the time change? How much could we realistically do in a day? And, of course, what would we do when things didn’t go according to plan?

Now that we are actually doing it, I can confirm that traveling internationally with a baby is a completely different experience. Our flight was delayed, our baby has not slept perfectly, and we certainly aren’t moving through our days at the same pace we did before having him. We have had to be much more flexible and adjust our expectations as we go. And even with all of that, I still think it is completely worth it.

I think that has been one of the more interesting parts of this experience for me. Becoming a mother didn’t change how much I love to travel, but it has required me to rethink what traveling looks like during this season of our lives.

Adjusting Expectations After Becoming a Mom

Before having a baby, we could fit a lot into a day when we traveled. We could walk around for hours, stay out late, make a last-minute dinner reservation, or decide to squeeze in one more thing because we were already nearby. There wasn’t much we needed to consider beyond whether we felt like doing it.

Obviously, traveling with a baby changes that. There are naps, feedings, bedtimes, and breaks to consider. There are times when going back to the hotel makes more sense than seeing one more thing, or when we have made a plan and then realized that our baby simply isn’t up for it.

This has required us to slow down our pace and be much more realistic about how much we can fit into a day. I’ll admit that this has been an adjustment for me. When I travel somewhere, I want to see things and experience as much as I can. But I’m also learning that doing less doesn’t necessarily mean we are getting less out of the experience. And that’s a lesson for motherhood in general, not just travel. 

In many ways, this mirrors the broader transition into motherhood. So many of the things I enjoyed before having a baby are still part of my life, but they don’t always look exactly the way they did before. Work is different. Relationships can be different. How I spend my free time is different. And now I’m learning that travel is different too.

Different doesn’t necessarily mean worse, but accepting those differences can still take some adjustment.

Letting Go of Control and Accepting Uncertainty

As a psychologist, I talk a lot about anxiety, control, and learning to tolerate uncertainty. Anxiety often convinces us that if we prepare enough, research enough, or anticipate every possible problem, we can somehow prevent uncomfortable things from happening.

Traveling with a baby has been a pretty good reminder that this isn’t possible.

We prepared a lot for this trip. I thought about what we would need on the flight, packed what felt like half our house, considered naps and meals, and tried to plan our days in ways that would work for our baby. Then our flight was delayed. Our baby didn’t sleep exactly when or how we hoped he would. Plans had to shift.

None of these things were catastrophic, but they were reminders that preparation and control are not the same thing.

For me, letting go of control hasn’t meant abandoning the itinerary or deciding not to plan anything. I still like having a plan, and I probably always will. It has meant trying to recognize the point at which planning stops being useful and starts becoming an attempt to eliminate uncertainty.

There is only so much we can control when we travel, and adding a baby makes that even more apparent. I can prepare thoughtfully for what he might need, but I also have to trust that when something unexpected happens, we will figure it out.

Learning to Slow Down

I think slowing down has probably been the biggest difference between the way we traveled before having a baby and the way we’re traveling now.

We are doing less in a day, and I don’t want to pretend that I never notice that or that I suddenly think this way of traveling is better. There are things we could have fit into a trip before having a baby that simply aren’t realistic right now, and for a moment I might feel disappointed about that.

At the same time, I’m realizing that I don’t have to choose between traveling exactly the way we used to and not traveling at all. There is a lot of room in between. I also recognize that slowing down is one of the biggest messages I share with moms. So much of our life is planned and we can end up rushing through things just to “fit it all in”. Motherhood isn’t best experienced this way. So while I do have moments of missing the old way, I am also embracing the slowness of traveling with a baby, which might look like a relaxed morning before grabbing coffee and heading to a local park rather than cramming in the top three must see locations before noon. 

For this stage of our lives, travel might mean seeing fewer things in a day, having a longer lunch, taking a break at the hotel, or being back earlier than we would have been before. It means paying attention to how our baby is doing rather than only thinking about what is left on our itinerary.

Even with the delayed flight, imperfect sleep, mini meltdowns, and significantly more luggage, I’m really glad we came.

Being Gentle With Yourself and Your Baby

Something else I’ve found myself thinking about throughout this trip is how much we are actually asking of our baby.

We put him on an airplane, changed his time zone, changed where he sleeps, disrupted his normal routines, and are bringing him into new environments every day. He is seeing new places, hearing unfamiliar sounds, eating in different places, and generally being asked to adapt to quite a lot.

When I look at it from that perspective, it makes complete sense that there are going to be moments when he has a harder time keeping up or getting settled.

I think this is an important reminder when traveling with a baby: be gentle with yourself and be extra patient with your little one. You are both navigating something outside of your normal routine, but we are asking an especially big thing of our babies.

A difficult nap, a cranky meal, or needing to change the plan doesn’t mean the trip is going badly. Sometimes it simply means your baby needs a break, and the plan you made needs to change.

Remembering this has helped me approach those moments with more patience rather than immediately feeling frustrated that something isn’t going the way I hoped.

Motherhood, Identity, and Learning to Do Things Differently

This trip has also made me reflect on something I hear from women often in my work: the desire to feel like yourself again after becoming a mother.

There can be so much pressure after having a baby to “get back.” Get back to work, exercise, relationships, travel, or generally feeling like the person you were before.

But becoming a mother is a major identity transition, and I’m not sure going back is always the goal. For me, part of adjusting to motherhood has been figuring out how the things that mattered to me before having a baby fit into my life now. Travel is one of those things.

I didn’t stop wanting to see the world when I became a mother, and I don’t want to give up something I love simply because doing it with a baby requires more work and flexibility. Instead, I’m learning that I can still travel, but I may need to change my expectations for what that looks like right now.

This is something I talk about often in therapy with women navigating anxiety, perfectionism, motherhood, and other major life transitions. Sometimes we become so focused on getting back to the way things were that we don’t give ourselves enough room to figure out what we want them to look like now.

We’re still in the middle of this trip, so I’m sure there will be more that I reflect on once we’re home. But I already know that traveling with a baby is not the same experience as traveling before having one. It requires more patience, more flexibility, more planning, and, ironically, a greater willingness to let go of the plan. I also know that, for us, it has been worth it. We’re still getting to see the world. We’re just learning how to do it together.

If you’re navigating anxiety, perfectionism, identity changes, or adjusting to life after becoming a mother, therapy can provide a space to work through those transitions. I provide therapy for women and mothers in New York and New Jersey, as well as teletherapy in all PSYPACT states, with a focus on anxiety, perinatal and postpartum mental health, motherhood identity shifts, perfectionism, and major life transitions. If you’re interested in learning more about working with me, you can reach out through the contact form, linked here.